


Patch

by childoflightning



Series: just keep stumbling forward (baby im waiting for you) [16]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has PTSD, Character Study, Gen, Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Other, Self-Worth Issues, Virgil has a Service Dog, Vulnerability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:27:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21904456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/childoflightning/pseuds/childoflightning
Summary: When Virgil first got Dolly, he also got a red vest and three patches. One stated, “Service Dog. Do Not Pet. Do Not Distract,” with each sentence on a new line. Another stated, “Do Not Separate Service Dog From Handler,” split onto two lines. The final one said “PTSD Service Dog” and it also carried onto two lines.Virgil put the first two on the vest, and left the third off.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Logic | Logan/Morality | Patton
Series: just keep stumbling forward (baby im waiting for you) [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1322924
Comments: 21
Kudos: 358





	Patch

**Author's Note:**

> **TW: Unreliable Narrator (at start), Mental Health Facilities (mentioned) PTSD, Self-Worth Issues**

When Virgil first got Dolly, he also got a red vest and three patches. One stated, “Service Dog. Do Not Pet. Do Not Distract,” with each sentence on a new line. Another stated, “Do Not Separate Service Dog From Handler,” split onto two lines. The final one said “PTSD Service Dog” and it also carried onto two lines.

Virgil put the first two on the vest, and left the third off.

At first he left it off because he didn’t need to be reminded. He didn’t need to be reminded about how fucked up he was. He didn’t need to be reminded that he was just being passed around facilities because no cared about him, no one knew what to do with him. He was just that fucked up. The patch just made it more obvious. Due to all of this, Virgil left it off.

After he came home from his last treatment facility, Virgil’s mindset changed, but he still didn’t put the patch on. 

Virgil came to accept his PTSD more over time. He still worked on his struggles with self-deprecation, but at least he now understood that he wasn’t inherently flawed or bad. He was mentally ill and traumatized, and would be for life. He didn’t have to hate himself for that.

(It was still hard not to hate himself).

But he didn’t add the patch.

The patch was vulnerable. The patch clearly and loudly stated what was wrong with him and Virgil wasn’t quite ready for that. It bore his soul to the world, allowing people private information into his life. They’d connect the dots and know more about him than he’d like, all from a single patch. Virgil wasn’t ready for that, wasn’t ready for the world to be aware. He put the patch away.

It ended up never getting added to Dolly’s vest. Instead it sat in his bedside drawer, slowly gathering dust. Virgil forget about it most days.

Then Virgil got Trixie. He changed the vest and in doing so, remembered the old patch. He pulled it out and studied it once more. His finger trailed around the border, considering.

His diagnosis didn’t hurt anymore, hadn’t for a while. In many ways, Virgil saw his diagnosis as a relief, because without it he’d have no explanation for his behaviors. His life would be so much more confusing without the diagnosis, and he genuinely didn’t know what he’d do without. Yet, he still didn’t want to add the patch to Trixie’s vest.

The patch declared him to the world. Even if Virgil was more vulnerable now, people’s reactions were still unpredictable. They would judge him. He knew they would, it happened all the time. It gave other people the opportunity to make assumptions and label him, see him a certain way. Such a declaration, such a boldness could change people’s behavior and get Virgil easily labeled a certain way. He didn’t want to live that life, so he didn’t add the patch.

(Virgil did end up bringing the patch to college. It sat in a bin under his bed and Virgil wasn’t even quite sure why he brought it when he didn’t even take it out).

Eventually, Virgil forgot about it once more, considering it didn't really have a reason to occupy his mind.

Years later and Virgil was settling down in a house with his partners. And, as adults tended to have to do, he was going through old stuff in an attempt to clean things up a bit and get rid of things that lacked value, importance, or significance.

He stumbled across the patch.

He pulled it out, flipped over, then back again, observing the small object that seemed to weigh so much more than it should. He let out a loud, even breath.

Trixie was at his side in an instant, out of interest verses work. She nudged his hand and got down on her paws playful. When Virgil didn’t respond, she batted at him and gave a small jump. 

Virgil chuckled and she raced out of the room. A moment later she returned with equal speed, this time with a rope toy in her mouth. Virgil dropped the patch and took to playing tug with her for a few minutes. 

She pulled heartedly for a while before randomly stopping and darting out of the door once more. 

Virgil let her be and looked down at the patch. 

Looking back, he didn’t really know why he hadn’t put it on. Sure, he remembered. He’d refused at first because of acknowledgement, then due to vulnerability, and then due to reactions. At the time they had certainly been valid reactions. But looking back Virgil could easily see the faulty logic of his own thinking. 

He was at peace now. 

He didn’t fear his own diagnosis, and he didn’t fear vulnerability. People’s reactions were a bit more unpredictable, but in all honesty, Virgil didn’t give a shit anymore. People could say what they wanted, think what they wanted. 

Virgil pondered what the patch had meant to him, the significance it had held over the years and how it had never been on display. 

It seemed much lighter now. It didn’t seem as heavy. It just seemed like a simple, declarative sentence. It stated Trixie’s job. 

“PTSD Service Dog.”

Did Virgil really used to have such an issue with that?

Trixie came back into the room, startling Virgil a bit as she started to lick his face, tail wagging behind her. 

Virgil made a decision. 

“Trixie, get your vest,” he said. 

The dog perked up and once more left the room, much more calmly this time. She returned with her vest in her mouth. Virgil took it from her, and put it on. He smoothed out the edges and peeled off one of the previous patches and scooted it down one way. 

Then, he swallowed, look down at the patch that had never been on the vest before, and placed it firmly against the velcro, smoothing it down. 

Trixie turned to look at him curiously as he did so. 

“All down,” Virgil said, “How about we go for a walk.”

At the word ‘walk,’ Trixie perked up significantly. If she hadn't been in her vest, Virgil knew she’d be spinning in excited circles. Instead, she just sat, tail thumping. 

“Okay, let’s go for a walk.”

The patch sat on Trixie’s vest and it felt right. 

The next morning Virgil got his first comment.

“New patch?” Roman asked. He sounded casual but when Virgil looked at him, he recognized that Roman was aware of the potential weight of his words. Roman didn’t know the history of the patch, but he had know Virgil for years and had yet to see Trixie’s vest patches change. He certainly seemed to perceive that there was likely some significance there.

“No,” Virgil said, “it’s uh- old patch actually. Finally got around to putting it on.”

Virgil didn’t take the time to explain the patch’s entire history, but Roman nodded and gave the impression that he understood. 

Patton came up on his side and threaded his fingers in Virgil’s own, squeezing Virgil’s hand softly, showing his own recognition and awareness of the patches value. Virgil squeezed back. 

“Why’d it take so long to put it on?” Logan asked, “It should be fairly easy, shouldn’t it? It’s a velcro patch.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Virgil said, “it should have been easy. It just… wasn't.”

“Oh,” Logan said as he realized and recognized the tone in the room and became more aware of Virgil’s speech patterns, “Oh okay. Well then that is more than...” Logan seemed to struggle for words, looking for how to validate Virgil.

“Thank you,” Virgil said, knowing what he meant anyways. Logan nodded in return.

Trixie came over, weaving through Virgil’s legs and looking expectantly up at him, tongue lolling out of her mouth. She wore her vest proudly, and the additional patch was on clear display for the world to see. Any worries bled away as he became sure that it had been the right choice.

Virgil smiled, and moved forward.

**Author's Note:**

>  **TW: Unreliable Narrator (at start)** (Virgil is an unrelliable narrator at the beginning of the story, though this gradually changes over time), **Mental Health Facilities (mentioned)** , **PTSD** (Virgil has PTSD and deal with it and its symptoms), **Self-Worth Issues** (Virgil struggles with his self-worth, especially towards the beginning).
> 
> My tumblr is [thechildoflightning](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/). Feel free to send in asks and prompts, keep updated, and see extra stuff involved with this series.


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